Ade is Fucking Awesome!

You know, for a while I totally forgot that I had a blog. You see, I've been buried neck down in work (no, really) and a lot of other extracurricular activities. No, I'm not talking about the illegal kind, you doofus. I'm spending a lot of time working with my three bands, playing the bass and the occasional keyboards and we're making awesome progress with our music. One band's already considering recording shit for an EP.



But I'm really updating this blog because I just want to whine about how fucking hot it is right now. Really, this is like the worst heat I've encountered in ages. Okay, okay, I know I'm really fat right now and I'm pretty sure all those layers of blubber must've insulated and turned up the heat a couple of degrees for me, but whatever. It's too damn hot and I swear I'm going to get sick one of these days.( More... )

Because The Man Blog is back!

... well, kind of.  We still don't have the main page running (you know, the part that's supposed to be the blog), so all you're going to see are the forums. But who cares, just sign up, and if you're a member of the fairer sex, we are going to ask you to show your tits!

Also, I really don't have anything else to blog about so I guess a weeklong-delayed announcement of TMB's glorious return will suffice. So yeah, tits.

See you there! Orignal From: Hide your daughters!

I dunno what happened, but suddenly my week ahead is now kind of a busy one. I was planning 2010 to be a pretty lazy year, doing nothing while I sit on a recliner couch eating potato chips dipped in lard as I watch Glee and fap off to that girl who plays Quinn, you know? But apparently it's just month numero dos and I'm already neck-deep in work. Not that I'm complaining - HI BOSS! *grins and waves stupidly*







In fact, I'm actually enjoying the influx of things to work on for a change. Of course by the weekend rolls around, I'll be dead tired, but I guess that'll be a small price to pay for all the productive shit I'll do.

Case in point: I'm playing session bass for two new bands right now, The Strangeness and Don't Bogart The Can... Man! and I pretty much have a full plate this week because these two bands, along with Lose Your Beer Belly will have gigs this week!( More... )

I just realized that it's just a less than a week before Valentine's Day. As much as I try block out the world when everyone starts to become mushy, there will be a couple of people who will break into my zen bubble and piss the hell out of me. You will then see me retreat into my room, crying, bird in hand, wanking off.

Okay, to be really honest, I'm not even making a huge deal out of Valentine's anymore. It's like the whole novelty of the stupid day has died for me.( More... )

So I was supposed to watch James Cameron's comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn't able to make it to the last full show. I'm not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor, and Jesus. I'd like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won't talk about that again. But the whole point is that I'm supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven't even seen, and I'm panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.



Now I don't have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie's going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I'm pretty sure it's Avatar, right? There can't be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck?( More... )

Inner Child: So, Ade, what are your New Year's resolutions for 2010?
Ade: I dunno kid, I'm not really into making resolutions.
Inner Child: WHAT? You suck. Don't be a fucking fornicating shit-eating faggot and try to improve yourself for the new decade!
Ade: ... that has got to be the most obscene stream of words I've ever heard coming out of your mouth.
Inner Child: Even more obscene than "horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface?" Because that's what I think whenever I hear your name.
Ade: ...
Inner Child: In case you haven't figured it out, it's because I think you're a horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface.
Ade: ...
Inner Child: So, make a new year's resolution already, you asshole. Try to make your life suck less this 2010. I know you got a new laptop and all you wanna do is to tweak the shit out of it and kill zombies with plants, but come on, you're better than that.( More... )

Happy New Year! This is a new beginning, people! New year! New DECADE! Orignal From: Happy New Year! Huzzah, it's 2010!

So I finally did it. After months of saving up, I went out and got me a brand-new laptop.



You guys all remember the time when I bought my first laptop, right? I saved up for months so I can afford the super-cheap Asus Eee PC 701. I was kind of an idiot back then, and I thought that since all I did was to surf the internet and look for porn, a laptop with specs that were top-of-the-line seven years ago and running a stripped-down version of Linux was enough. Big mistake.

Sure, I had fun dicking around with various distros of Linux. I even got Doom to run on it. I even got an offer to write on a blog about the Asus Eee. And when I finally installed Windows XP on MacEnvy (Yes, that's what I named my laptop. What.), it took me a couple of days trimming all the fat from the OS, and I did learn a lot (something along the lines of "do not delete the nice file called SYSTEM32.exe"), but two years onward, having a first-generation netbook that doesn't do much kind of became a pain.( More... )

Dear Ashley,

Hi. Remember me? I'm Ade. Am I glad to find you here on Formspring! We met back in college. Remember the party that Lloyd threw? The one where Sheena ended up puking all over your dress? That's the one I was talking about. I just want you to know that I spiked Sheena's orange juice. Didn't know she had a low alcohol tolerance. Sorry.

Also, yeah, I know I had whiskey dick that night, and you promised to call me back once we're sober but you never did. What the heck is up with that?( More... )

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! So, kid, what do you want to find in your stockings this holiday season? Come on and sit on my la-" the mall employee dressed as Santa abruptly stopped in the middle of his sentence as he looked up and saw that it was my turn. I was grinning enthusiastically as I waved at him.

"Yo, yo, yo, dude. Stop. Stop it." the Santa said. "Aren't you... a little too old for this?"

"What are you talking about?" I shot back. "I lined up in here fair and square! You can never be too old for Santa Claus!"

"What the heck happened to your childhood, buddy? Everyone knows Santa Claus is-"

"Fake? Dude, you're going to ruin Christmas for these children. Tone it down a little."

Santa scratched his head quizzically and mumbled, "I swear there was a sign outside that said 'For children up to age 13 only' there. After that little runt tried to poop on my outfit the other day, I thought I've gotten the worst-"

Little does this mall employee dressed as Santa know that this was actually my fifth attempt to line up at the "Tell Santa Your Wishes!" booth at this mall.

The first time had me bringing in a couple of screwdrivers. What I didn't know is that they have guard dogs roaming the mall at night. You can probably tell how it ended. Then I tried bribing a few mall employees in various ways (I'm not at liberty to speak of this but I won't confirm nor deny that it involved lots of thousand-peso bills and offers of oral sex to various people of ambiguous gender) but that didn't work out as well.

So today I just walked up and gave a black eye to the fucker who was telling me to move it because the parents might think I'm a creepy sexual predator. After pushing ten security guards out of the way, I made my way towards Santa.( More... )

And just like that, it's December again.

Guys, look, the end of the year is almost here, and what have we learned so far? My personal answer is "2009 just about fucked everyone with its irrational rash of celebrity deaths, consecutive tragic typhoons, massacres, and loads of political turmoil. Yep, 2009 has been one fucking fun year.



But again, it's December already and I think it's about time we relax for a little bit and think about Christmas. You know, be all loving and caring and all?( More... )

Last night found me outside my house, sitting in a lounge chair in my balcony, sipping margaritas with my harem of hot and willing women in bikinis ["But Ade, you don't have a balcony in real life, much less-" "Shut up journalistic integrity, I'm trying to write something truthful here, damn you"] waiting for a single meteorite from the Leonid Meteor Shower to show up. You see, in my smog-riddled part of the metro, looking up will not only ensure bird poop landing straight in your eyes (what can I say, the birds here are assholes) but it gives you nothing.

Absolutely nothing.


Kinda like this

Which kinda sucked, because it took me time to bring out this lounge chair and pay these women to stand in my imaginary balcony. But sitting here will yield me nothing, except bird shit in my left eye. Maybe I need a pair of binoculars.( More... )

So I was going to sit down and write another installment of Down the Highway, but this stupid headache won't let me. It's like two rock creatures fucking with abandon in my head.



Okay, maybe that analogy may be a little too much. I guess the story of my migraine started off with a pebble. Let's call the pebble Frank. So Frank was sitting on the ground one sunny morning. It was just there, minding his own business, being cute and pebble-like. Well that was until this truck rolled in and crushed the stupid pebble.

Frank's family was devastated when they learned of his untimely demise

The truck's doors opened and out stepped this dude named Frankie (ah, yes, a migraine really gets me creative with names) who was then hit by a rolling boulder that came out of nowhere. I dunno where it came from, there were no mountains nearby to cause landslides. Just fucking chalk it up to Deus Ex Machina or something, ok?( More... )

Before anything else, let me post a YouTube video of that cursed song. Please feel free to play it over and over again as you read my blog entry so you can get into my state of mind as I wrote this.



Back when I was a kid, hearing Christmas songs weeks before Christmas gave me a feeling of excitement and wonder. Heck it made me think of peace and goodwill and everything Christmassy. Also it means getting a shitload of gifts and I'd probably get the Ecto-1 I've always dreamed of. So I used to run around singing all the carols I hear, slowly driving everyone around me to madness because of my slightly (ok, not slightly... it's more like majorly) off-tune singing screeching.

Ah, how times have changed.( More... )

Why does the fire stay a simple diameter?

Don't mind this guys, I'm just testing something. Orignal From: Why does the fire stay a simple diameter?

My previous blog entry got a grand total of zero comments. Except maybe for that Nigerian dude who wanted to give me his riches for a small price (I'm wiring him my life savings as we speak) and that Japanese girl who wanted me to install this program so I can see her tits. Right now, I'm kind of distracted because as I'm running the installer, all my anti virus programs are going haywire with all sorts of apocalyptic warnings of doom. I can't concentrate on the tits I'm about to see, dammit.

Anyway, yeah. Blog. No comments. Zilch. Nada. Hence, I spent like five hours on the phone with Marck complaining about people not caring at all about the impending Zombie Apocalypse. After realizing that all he made are empathic grunts, I threatened to break into an animal shelter and look for the cutest kitten and step on it as he looked. It was by then he decided to speak up. The following conversation ensued:

"Ade, that Zombie article sucked," he sighed.

"NOT LISTENING I'M GOOGLING FOR THE NEAREST ANIMAL SHELTER NOW"

"Ade, you gotta listen to me. I have the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards Best Commentary Blog ™ and I get posts with zero comments all the time!"

"AHA FOUND ONE NOW I'M LOOKING UP THE ADDRESS IN GOOGLE MAPS"

"Ade-"

"GOING THERE TO PICK UP A KITTEN I'LL DROP BY YOUR HOUSE IN AN HOUR I'M WEARING STEEL TOE BOOTS"( More... )

Dear Future Zombie Overlords,

How are you guys? I know you're really not into small talk, and there really is no reason for you guys would want to talk to us puny humans, especially after the Great Zombie Uprising of the Future will decide that we are inferior to the undead.



I don't know where I'll be when the time comes. I can hope to be alongside my fellow living humans, fighting for human survival, and probably kicking zombie ass every now and then. But since we all know I have the survival skills of a prairie dog, I'd probably be zombie and I'd be the fat stinky zombie who will comically stagger towards the female love interest of the hero. I'll also get my brains blown out within five minutes of the Great Zombie Uprising of the Future.( More... )

Friday evening found me with fellow finalist Madz and her boyfriend, rushing to get to PETA Theater on time. We were running late for the 3rd Philippine Blog Awards, and as expected traffic wasn't cooperating with us. The bus ride to Cubao LRT took ages, and the lines in the LRT station were horrible, and when were finally able to land at Gilmore, there were no taxis around.

So we spent around 30 minutes, dressed in awards attire (well, I was going for the homeless wino look anyway so I didn't mind), running around a gas station trying to flag a taxi. Half an hour later we went "fuck it, we're tired" and I flagged a tricycle. Yep, going to a prestigious event in a tricycle. Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?



So we traversed along the streets of New Manila in a tricycle. I was sitting behind the speed demon driver, hanging on for dear life, while Madz and her boyfriend were seated snugly inside the sidecar. When we reached PETA Theater, I jumped off the trike, sweaty and panting, for all to see. Noelle, Marcelle, Marck, and Karen stared in the other direction rather awkwardly, trying to avoid my glance as I attempted to greet them.( More... )

Hello everyone. My name is Ade, and I own this blog. Please don't hurt me.

I've spent three years of my life dedicated to a blog chronicling my various failures while at the same time becoming the largest repository of dick jokes on the internet. When a website's tagline is "your daily dose of retard," it's pretty obvious that this site won't imbue you with life's lessons upon reading its contents. Of course, if you consider open letters to people who constantly touch the peepees and weewees of other people on trains important life lessons. (It is, for me)

I think there's a red flag or two somewhere that says this blog isn't really something that adds anything meaningful to the blogosphere. Heck, I'm pretty sure I'd be having a hard time looking for at least 5 bloggers who are willing to acknowledge my site's existence. I swear, this dude probably has more legitimacy than I do.

Or even this guy.



That said, I ended up as a finalist in the 2009 Philippine Blog Awards.

Yeah, I went "huh?" too.


Okay, I'm up against some really tough guys like Good Times Manila (hAllUr p0wH Deejay), Hay! Men and Indolent Indio, so it's pretty obvious that I'm not putting my hopes up (this Ade, whatta fishing for compliments).

Anyway, if by some weird twist of fate I do win Best Humor Blog, I promise to not strip off my clothes and run around the stage butt naked. Yeah.( More... )

Who else here feels like they've gone through hell and back? Good. Nice to know that I'm not alone.

Okay, I'll make this quick and dirty. This is one of the worst things that everyone here has gone through in recent memory, and us who are lucky enough to be able to stay in their warm and cozy homes, and just shake their heads in disbelief at the pictures and videos of Ondoy's rampage, should be able to do something to help those who were hit hard.

I'm just seriously thankful that this happened during the day and on a weekend. Imagine if the floods came out while we were sleeping or when we were out at work. Of course the call center people and others are still stranded, but it could have been worse.

Stay safe, people.

You can donate through SMS: text RED[space]AMOUNT to 2899 (Globe) or 4483 (Smart)

Spread the word or add people to Rescue Hub Info central.

More information on how you can help at Quezon.ph [Tumblr Mirror]. Orignal From: Typhoon Ondoy